I’m a broken girl!

This has something that has tormented me for a while. But after watching Lisa Schwarts (Lisbug) on YouTube and viewing her Two Broken Girls videos and her Trying Girly Products videos I have realised how terrible I am at being a girl. I’m not a very skilled person, I wouldn’t even say I’m doing a good job with this blog but I do not do well at being a girl. Of course, I’d hate to be a boy so I gotta deal with what I have but Society’s perception of women has made it difficult to be a woman and women (I hate to say it) are the ones perpetuating the stereotypes that girls like me struggle with. Who’s the one writing Cosmo or Women’s Weekly? And who are the ones buying them?

My first fail at being a girl is of course how I dress. Since being with someone I’ve liked to dress up more in dresses but before now I have never been one to wear dresses and I hate the colour pink. I wouldn’t say I’m terrible at my makeup but I don’t own much and rarely use it all, if any. I’m not one for fashion magazines or reality TV shows. I much prefer horror or mystery books and the News. I don’t play with my hair much (despite changing its colour) and I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with it. I love cars and am learning more and more about engines and how they run, I don’t file my nails endlessly and I don’t spend my time painting them. I’m not saying all women do, but that’s the stereotype. I am not a girly girl.

After looking over all these facts and questioning my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am happy not conforming to the stereotypes put on me by women’s magazines and ultimately by women. I am happy reading my books, watching News and learning about cars. I’ll be happy in my big car (when I can drive) and I am happy in the body God gave me. I don’t need to know all the skills about make up, fashion and hair and neither do you. Just because you don’t like it or can’t figure it out doesn’t mean you’re a bad girl or not a girl at all. It just means you are exactly as God made you.

Sincerely,

A broken girl.

Anxiety and Depression

First off let me just say that this is a very touchy topic but it is a very important one. Too many people are afraid to acknowledge the dark cloud that hovers over others, weighing them down and casting shadows over their lives.

My first experience with Depression was when my life got turned on its head. When my dad left us I found myself spiraling down, so much had happened in so little time. I was going through the transition into High School, dealing with losing and making new friends and maintaining my grades as well as having to watch my family fall apart. Divorce is like dropping a stone into a still river, the ripples go on forever. I was of course one of those ripples, when my dad left it really made me start to question who I was and what it meant to be a child from a broken home. I did blame myself for a while, I hated my dad for a while too but mostly I found myself just sad all the time.

My grades began to slip and I felt myself sinking deeper into myself and soon enough that cloud began to form over my head. It’s a hard thing to bear especially when you have no idea what it is, I didn’t know what depression was because I was never really told anything about it. The first lot of counselling I ever had was after my dad left, but still the woman didn’t teach me about depression and that I was now at risk of becoming depressed. Now, depression doesn’t come alone…he brings his friend anxiety with him. Anxiety is a quiet friend who follows you and your depression cloud around for awhile and you often forget that he’s there until you have to do something you’ve never done before or had a bad experience doing once. That is when anxiety pops in and starts pulling on your arm, begging you to go the other way and to stop what you’re doing.

“What will others think?” he screams.
“What if people laugh at you.”
“What if what you’re saying is wrong.”
and then depression starts backing him up,
“Nobody likes you anyway.” he starts.
And eventually you feel so sick that you do miss words and people do make fun of you and so you go back to your corner with just you, your depression and his buddy anxiety.

After a while depression is no longer a cloud, he has become a shadow and has latched onto you. You are now your depression and your life becomes black, you start looking for ways to silence anxiety who has found his voice and pipes up every time a thought crosses your mind, and depression always backs up his friend.

It was at this point that I made possibly the worst decision in my life. I was sitting alone on my top bunk, crying myself to sleep and thinking about my life. Anxiety and Depression were fueled up at this point, they were bouncing around and really making a song and dance about everything.
“No one will miss you” depression told me.
“Their lives will be easier,” he smiled.
Anxiety took a look at his friend depression and felt uneasy, but said nothing…he just kept swimming around, making me feel sick. It was then that I used the only thing I had to try and take my own life…my hands.

Here I was, fourteen years old with my hands around my throat with depression egging me on. This is the part I am grateful of, it got to the point where I was choking that God showed up. He came to me as a thought, a shining light that silenced depression and anxiety for a few moments.
“Think about your family,” he told me, “think about all the good times and know that I Am here.”
To this day this brings tears to my eyes.
I pulled my hands away, turned my back on anxiety and depression and cried myself to sleep. Anxiety and depression still hung around, but they weren’t as loud after that, I still wasn’t doing any better at school but I managed to keep my head above water. When I got closer to God, depression started to pack his things…he still visits me from time to time but for the most part he’s gone. Anxiety is still attached and he pipes up when I meet new people or am in an unknown place…but thanks to Lukas I am doing a lot more things and forcing Anxiety out of his comfort zone.

Depression tried to make a come back the other day, he tried putting ideas in my head that my life was over and that I had nothing more to accomplish but I am proving him wrong by making this post. I am beating depression and anxiety, one day at a time. I just want to say this to all those out there who are at the point I was or who feel themselves getting there I just want you to know that it does get better…I know that it sounds cliche but it really does get better. Just look up, smile and hold your head high. Depression and Anxiety have no power when you stop listening to them.

Keep smiling 🙂