Silent Pain

Dark skies, black clouds
Hanging over my head
Starry night, midnight fights
Screaming, crying, slamming doors
Is this what love is for?

Imprisoned by darkness,
Trapped inside myself
I keep screaming but no one can hear
Silence, deafening silence
The walls are closing in,
It is getting harder to breath
Help me, help me!

Light in darkness, darkness hides
Shadows lurk, midnight hurts
Lonely feelings, sinking deeper
Inside my mind it hurts

Cast your shadows, hide in the dark
Seek no help, no lives lost
No lives but one, but no one cares
A little line, a bit of blood
Scars tell stories of strength that lost
Handful of pills, stomach cramps
Sleep till morning, they’ll find me dead.

(so this is my first ever proper poem. Sorry it’s a bit dark, literally the first things that came to my mind…maybe I should get help)

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I’m a broken girl!

This has something that has tormented me for a while. But after watching Lisa Schwarts (Lisbug) on YouTube and viewing her Two Broken Girls videos and her Trying Girly Products videos I have realised how terrible I am at being a girl. I’m not a very skilled person, I wouldn’t even say I’m doing a good job with this blog but I do not do well at being a girl. Of course, I’d hate to be a boy so I gotta deal with what I have but Society’s perception of women has made it difficult to be a woman and women (I hate to say it) are the ones perpetuating the stereotypes that girls like me struggle with. Who’s the one writing Cosmo or Women’s Weekly? And who are the ones buying them?

My first fail at being a girl is of course how I dress. Since being with someone I’ve liked to dress up more in dresses but before now I have never been one to wear dresses and I hate the colour pink. I wouldn’t say I’m terrible at my makeup but I don’t own much and rarely use it all, if any. I’m not one for fashion magazines or reality TV shows. I much prefer horror or mystery books and the News. I don’t play with my hair much (despite changing its colour) and I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with it. I love cars and am learning more and more about engines and how they run, I don’t file my nails endlessly and I don’t spend my time painting them. I’m not saying all women do, but that’s the stereotype. I am not a girly girl.

After looking over all these facts and questioning my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am happy not conforming to the stereotypes put on me by women’s magazines and ultimately by women. I am happy reading my books, watching News and learning about cars. I’ll be happy in my big car (when I can drive) and I am happy in the body God gave me. I don’t need to know all the skills about make up, fashion and hair and neither do you. Just because you don’t like it or can’t figure it out doesn’t mean you’re a bad girl or not a girl at all. It just means you are exactly as God made you.

Sincerely,

A broken girl.

Hello World

So this is my first time using WordPress.com, it was actually suggested to me by a man called Robert who also uses this site under the URL roberlain.wordpress.com. I have used other sites to share my stories but I wanted to try this one out and so far am loving the fresh look of it and the total customization options. I will be using this site to share my opinions, my stories and ultimately my life.

But before I do, I’d like you to get to know me a bit better. It would be weird if you just started reading about someones life without first at least hearing their name.

Hello WordPressers,

My name is Ashleigh Elaine and I have been alive for approximately 18 years, proof of this can be found in my Birth Certificate. I was born on the 19th of February 1997 (18 years ago!) into a loving family and an older sister. (JK, she’s lovely.) So apparently upon birth I came out screaming before I could even make sound, which is pretty cool…go baby me!
A year after that, and the years that followed, I became an absolute terror of a child. I would throw things, break my cot and torture my poor poor sister. I like to think I’ve changed since then but I still have a temper.

When I was 14 however, my life began to change and my happy family began to fall apart. First to leave was my dad, he took himself away from our house to find himself and to find a new life for himself. Fourteen year old me took this pretty hard, as I am sure anyone would, but as I am a quiet person I internalized a lot of it which is so not healthy. This lead to anxiety, depression, late night internet fiascoes, terrible choices and even led me to think about ending everything (but that is a story for later and a lesson to be learnt.)

When I was 15 I fell in love with someone I had never met before, he was a few years older then me and lived in England. I won’t disclose his name, so lets call him Mr M. So Mr M and I started out as friends as he had another girlfriend and I was still talking to various other people, doing things I regret. But desperate to be gratified by someone I sunk deeper into my depression and finally ended up dating Mr M. We were both broken people, neither had any idea what we were doing but I was elated, I finally had a boyfriend! Little did I know the consequences.

I was with Mr M for two years and spent that time feeling sorry for myself, dealing with family issues as well as personal issues and personal health. I began to stop eating, sleeping and going to school. My grades slipped and I started to pull my hair out. I put off all my goals of going to University and spent all my time planning on going over to England. Well, on December 2013 I met another guy who was merely a friend but I was able to talk with him and we spoke about God. Now I already knew of God as I grew up in the church and went to Sunday school and had given my life to God, but up until 2013 it had been my families religion and something I had inherited rather than chosen. I still prayed and had encounters with God throughout 2013 but December is when everything started to accumulate.

When I started spending more time talking to this guy, (lets call him Mr J) Mr M started to get jealous and accused me of cheating. Which I guess, emotionally, I probably was. And not to make any excuses for my own actions but Mr M wasn’t exactly emotionally invested. This led to numerous fights between us and me ending it multiple times until eventually caving and getting back with him. March 2014 is when this all ended, it was the first step that got me to today.

I finally got rid of Mr M and started to find my own way with God and invested more into my studies even though it was already too late by this point. I had no idea what I wanted to be and I was incredibly anxious (which I still am.) August 2014 I met Lukas, my best friend and my boyfriend of 1 year and 5 months. We met through my sister and became friends, we chatted about our shared love for God and I told him about my past. And on the 14th of June, 2014 at almost midnight he asked me over Facebook to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

17 months later I am here and I do not regret a thing because at the time it was exactly what I wanted. But I am still picking up the pieces I had lost in the 2 years I spent with Mr M and I still have no idea what I want to do. All I know is that I love writing and I hope to one day have lots of kids, a husband and maybe a best seller or two…who knows. 🙂

I know this was pretty long but I hope you guys enjoyed it, I enjoyed writing it and it really helped me tonight to write this and get it all out. I’ll try to keep sharing my life with you all, as well as my opinions and maybe….just maybe, I’ll treat you with some of my stories.