‘Tis the Season!

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Merry Christmas from down under.

It is currently 12:36 a.m on the 24th of December 2015 in Australia and I have yet to buy all my presents. Which means it’s a mad dash in at the shops to buy my boyfriend a present, and I still need to wrap my mums up. I use to just put my name on the card to people my mum had bought presents for so I never really had to worry about it before so maybe Christmas has always been like this, but I say it shouldn’t. If you are spending December worrying about what to get people then don’t get anything, save your money and just give them your time. We live in a society where nobody has any time, we are so busy lately, so this Christmas why don’t we just put away our devices and set aside time to spend with those we love.
Now, people in Australia will know this, but Christmas is not a white Christmas where I’m from. There is no snow, no fire place and no hot chocolate and warm blankets. There are fans and air-conditioners cranked up to their maximum setting, cold water with ice blocks and cold meat and salads with seafood. There is no Christmas ham for lunch, instead there are platters of seafood and barbecues in the shade. For as long as I can remember, Christmas has always been 30 degrees C or higher. Luckily this year Christmas should be 27 degrees C, but that’s no where near snowing.
As a Christian, Christmas becomes a time of not just family and gift giving, but it also becomes a time of celebration and praise. Although our Christ wasn’t born on the 25th of December, we still mark it as a time to celebrate and sing praises. There has been a lot of controversy in my country recently pertaining to Christmas and Christmas carols. In the news recently I read that one of the Members of Parliament on the Eastern side of Australia was talking about removing Christmas Carols that mention God or Jesus. Apparently, in a multicultural country where we are suppose to be respecting all beliefs, our government wants to get rid of Christian Christmas carols but will allow people of other faiths to not have to participate in the Australian anthem.

Anyway, in the Spirit of Christmas, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a spectacular New Year.

Silent Pain

Dark skies, black clouds
Hanging over my head
Starry night, midnight fights
Screaming, crying, slamming doors
Is this what love is for?

Imprisoned by darkness,
Trapped inside myself
I keep screaming but no one can hear
Silence, deafening silence
The walls are closing in,
It is getting harder to breath
Help me, help me!

Light in darkness, darkness hides
Shadows lurk, midnight hurts
Lonely feelings, sinking deeper
Inside my mind it hurts

Cast your shadows, hide in the dark
Seek no help, no lives lost
No lives but one, but no one cares
A little line, a bit of blood
Scars tell stories of strength that lost
Handful of pills, stomach cramps
Sleep till morning, they’ll find me dead.

(so this is my first ever proper poem. Sorry it’s a bit dark, literally the first things that came to my mind…maybe I should get help)

I’m a broken girl!

This has something that has tormented me for a while. But after watching Lisa Schwarts (Lisbug) on YouTube and viewing her Two Broken Girls videos and her Trying Girly Products videos I have realised how terrible I am at being a girl. I’m not a very skilled person, I wouldn’t even say I’m doing a good job with this blog but I do not do well at being a girl. Of course, I’d hate to be a boy so I gotta deal with what I have but Society’s perception of women has made it difficult to be a woman and women (I hate to say it) are the ones perpetuating the stereotypes that girls like me struggle with. Who’s the one writing Cosmo or Women’s Weekly? And who are the ones buying them?

My first fail at being a girl is of course how I dress. Since being with someone I’ve liked to dress up more in dresses but before now I have never been one to wear dresses and I hate the colour pink. I wouldn’t say I’m terrible at my makeup but I don’t own much and rarely use it all, if any. I’m not one for fashion magazines or reality TV shows. I much prefer horror or mystery books and the News. I don’t play with my hair much (despite changing its colour) and I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with it. I love cars and am learning more and more about engines and how they run, I don’t file my nails endlessly and I don’t spend my time painting them. I’m not saying all women do, but that’s the stereotype. I am not a girly girl.

After looking over all these facts and questioning my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am happy not conforming to the stereotypes put on me by women’s magazines and ultimately by women. I am happy reading my books, watching News and learning about cars. I’ll be happy in my big car (when I can drive) and I am happy in the body God gave me. I don’t need to know all the skills about make up, fashion and hair and neither do you. Just because you don’t like it or can’t figure it out doesn’t mean you’re a bad girl or not a girl at all. It just means you are exactly as God made you.

Sincerely,

A broken girl.

Paper Towel Curls (no heat method)

Hey again guys, so I’ve done something girly…no seriously, I did. I was surfing the Pinterest wave when I stumbled across a really interesting idea I had not heard of before. Now just a little background on my hair, it does not curl unless I braid it wet and then let it out in the morning but even then that’s not ringlets. I have dead straight hair which I find deathly boring, it’s either up or down…there is no in between. So when I saw this method, and realized I had a full roll of paper towels and a water squirting device I got excited. I was still skeptical about it actually working but hey, I’m desperate.

So I tried to follow the instructions on the Pinterest post I found, though they were really vague and I am only one person who cannot see the back of my head so I equipped my mums help. As I sat on the floor in front of my mum, it almost felt like my hair was being yanked from my skull as she twisted my hair over and over on itself until it formed little buds on my scalp, she then tied strips of paper towels around them to hold them in place.

I attempted to sleep on them but I couldn’t physically sleep on my back, my right or left side and was only left with my front which makes my back sore after a while. So I made the decision at about 4am, a good few hours since they had been in, to take them out. Standing in front of my mirror with sleepy eyes I unrolled the buds and unleashed ringlet after ringlet. I then ran my fingers through my hair, forming a few knots that didn’t stand a chance against the hairbrush, and ended up with curls I have NEVER had. It hurt but it was so worth it. (I will add the pictures to my Home Page 🙂 )

L’appel du Vide: Call of the Void

Have you ever experienced an overwhelming urge to jump off of a cliff? Walk into oncoming traffic or hold a knife and wonder how easy it would be to kill the person next to you? If you have, then you’ve experienced the Call of the Void, it is so common that even the french have a word for it. the French call it L’appel du Vide. I experience this urge every so often, most recently while standing next to oncoming traffic I felt the overwhelming urge to step in front of the cars. This is something that makes you question your sanity for sure, you find yourself going “what the hell brain? You’re suppose to keep me alive!”

What is interesting about the Call of the Void is that it is experienced by perfectly sane people who have described this urge as terrifying and heart stopping. It is definitely something that makes you question just why you’re thinking these but it is perfectly normal. Have you ever experienced the Call of the Void? What has it given you the urge to do?

Anxiety and Depression

First off let me just say that this is a very touchy topic but it is a very important one. Too many people are afraid to acknowledge the dark cloud that hovers over others, weighing them down and casting shadows over their lives.

My first experience with Depression was when my life got turned on its head. When my dad left us I found myself spiraling down, so much had happened in so little time. I was going through the transition into High School, dealing with losing and making new friends and maintaining my grades as well as having to watch my family fall apart. Divorce is like dropping a stone into a still river, the ripples go on forever. I was of course one of those ripples, when my dad left it really made me start to question who I was and what it meant to be a child from a broken home. I did blame myself for a while, I hated my dad for a while too but mostly I found myself just sad all the time.

My grades began to slip and I felt myself sinking deeper into myself and soon enough that cloud began to form over my head. It’s a hard thing to bear especially when you have no idea what it is, I didn’t know what depression was because I was never really told anything about it. The first lot of counselling I ever had was after my dad left, but still the woman didn’t teach me about depression and that I was now at risk of becoming depressed. Now, depression doesn’t come alone…he brings his friend anxiety with him. Anxiety is a quiet friend who follows you and your depression cloud around for awhile and you often forget that he’s there until you have to do something you’ve never done before or had a bad experience doing once. That is when anxiety pops in and starts pulling on your arm, begging you to go the other way and to stop what you’re doing.

“What will others think?” he screams.
“What if people laugh at you.”
“What if what you’re saying is wrong.”
and then depression starts backing him up,
“Nobody likes you anyway.” he starts.
And eventually you feel so sick that you do miss words and people do make fun of you and so you go back to your corner with just you, your depression and his buddy anxiety.

After a while depression is no longer a cloud, he has become a shadow and has latched onto you. You are now your depression and your life becomes black, you start looking for ways to silence anxiety who has found his voice and pipes up every time a thought crosses your mind, and depression always backs up his friend.

It was at this point that I made possibly the worst decision in my life. I was sitting alone on my top bunk, crying myself to sleep and thinking about my life. Anxiety and Depression were fueled up at this point, they were bouncing around and really making a song and dance about everything.
“No one will miss you” depression told me.
“Their lives will be easier,” he smiled.
Anxiety took a look at his friend depression and felt uneasy, but said nothing…he just kept swimming around, making me feel sick. It was then that I used the only thing I had to try and take my own life…my hands.

Here I was, fourteen years old with my hands around my throat with depression egging me on. This is the part I am grateful of, it got to the point where I was choking that God showed up. He came to me as a thought, a shining light that silenced depression and anxiety for a few moments.
“Think about your family,” he told me, “think about all the good times and know that I Am here.”
To this day this brings tears to my eyes.
I pulled my hands away, turned my back on anxiety and depression and cried myself to sleep. Anxiety and depression still hung around, but they weren’t as loud after that, I still wasn’t doing any better at school but I managed to keep my head above water. When I got closer to God, depression started to pack his things…he still visits me from time to time but for the most part he’s gone. Anxiety is still attached and he pipes up when I meet new people or am in an unknown place…but thanks to Lukas I am doing a lot more things and forcing Anxiety out of his comfort zone.

Depression tried to make a come back the other day, he tried putting ideas in my head that my life was over and that I had nothing more to accomplish but I am proving him wrong by making this post. I am beating depression and anxiety, one day at a time. I just want to say this to all those out there who are at the point I was or who feel themselves getting there I just want you to know that it does get better…I know that it sounds cliche but it really does get better. Just look up, smile and hold your head high. Depression and Anxiety have no power when you stop listening to them.

Keep smiling 🙂